


Drugs and Relaxation

by TimX



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Connor Lives, Drug Abuse, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Illegal Activities, M/M, MalexMale, Panic Attacks, Romance, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2018-10-31 01:48:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10889226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimX/pseuds/TimX
Summary: Evan never printed out the letter. Maybe the letter was some sort of butterfly effect which in the end killed Connor but now he still stands alive and even more into drugs than ever, now he was an addict, and since Connor signed Evan's cast Evan has been harassed. Now he wishes he stayed invisible. With Evan getting ready to attempt suicide once again and Connor more into drugs things break lose.





	1. Chapter 1: A Supposedly Good Start

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction on Ao3. So I have no idea how the formatting works.

Evan didn’t know what was wrong with him. Why right now was he so nervous on printing his letter. He got up from the computer and walked passed by the printers which seemed to be taunting, mocking, laughing at him. His stare at the printer was glued on his feet, but kept walking, trying to run for him. His stare finally tore away when he bumped into someone. He didn’t hit the person hard enough for either of them to fall. He quickly said sorry and peeked at the person next to him.

 

Connor Murphy

 

Oh joy. He tensed up quickly and said another quick sorry, still barely a whisper; and then another, and then the words just seemed to keep pouring out like the annoying droplets of water coming out from a faucet. Oh geez, he must be annoying him. Fear rushed through his body. Connor was short tempered and he didn’t want to be the victim of his anger. He remembers the hushed whisper of the tales of Connor’s anger and some even from Jared. Once again he felt his feet move from under him while his head and mouth just doesn’t seem to shut up. His eyes lock on his exit.

“Evan -- Hamsen. Right?” The long hair boy said. Evan froze. He shook his head. What was he doing.

“Hansen.” He whispered, but he was sure Connor heard.

“You have a cast on. Did you break your arm?” Connor asked more subdue than this morning. Evan only nodded. “It’s blank -- Would you mind if I sign?” Evan shook his head. “Have a sharpie?”

“Y-y-yes.” he stuttered. Nice job. Evan reached for his sharpie.

Connor started to sign it, “How did you break it?”

“Well I, you see I um -- fell -- from a tree.”

Evan hears a slight chuckle, though it didn’t really sound like he was laughing. “That’s the saddest fucking thing I ever heard. “

“I know.” he said without a beat. A silence grew after words. He wasn’t sure if it was awkward or not.

“Sorry it’s so big. There’s not a lot more space for other people.” Connor almost sounded genuine. Almost.

“It’s not like anyone else would.”

“Right. Now we can both pretend we have friends.” Connor’s eyes dully looked down at Evan. “Well I...” Connor’s word slipped off his tongue. It was quite awkward. Almost like he didn’t plan this much conversation with Evan.

Evan being Evan knew the pain so he tried to make it less awkward. Keyword: tried.

“I you know well... I ha-have to ... Not, not to be rude or anything I-I just kinda...” Evan mumbled trying to end the conversation.

Connor interrupted from the painful conversation, “No I get it. See ya Hansen. Also try relaxing, try pot or some shit.” He let out a slight breath. It was like a laugh. Evan just stared at the walking Connor.

He looked down at his hands. He just had a conversation with another Murphy and didn’t die. He counted it as progress for himself, but his social skills just went down the gutter. If there was a skill less than that, that was definitely Evan. Evan dropped down to the ground and let out a shaky breath.

He really needs to print out that letter.

 

It was after school and Evan walked with Jared to his car. It was an exchange, he was used to get free car insurance and Evan gets free rides no fee. Jared obviously noticed the big “CONNOR” written on his arm.

“Wow Evan how did you do it? Free lap dance? Can I get one? I’ll get you ice cream my treat.”

“What! No no no.” He shook his head. “ I think Zoe must have forced him or something out of pity seeing me pushed onto the floor.” That is what he truly thought.

“Oh lap dance to zoe then, still my offer stand one for ice cream.”

“No -- Jared -- please.” Evan felt his face flush.

“Alright Mr. Hansen in the car” Jared laughed at his embarrassed friend. Evan smiled a bit and went into the car.

When Jared pulled up to an ice cream parlor. Evan freaked out. "Jared I said no!"

"Did you? Well too late now!"

"NO JARED!" 

"Dude I am joking calm down." Jared chuckled a bit and pat Evan's back before getting out of the car. "Come on out Evan or else I'll pick your flavor." 

Evan hesitantly got out of the vehicle. Today was an okay day. Maybe this year would be tolerable if the days were like this. 

* * *

 

Surprisingly, Connor seemed to know exactly what he was talking about. Him signing his name seemed to magically prove that he was able to hold a successful conversation as his mom never heard of this Connor person. Evan thinks it is for the best and while guilt is most likely going to suffocate him at night, the smile on Heidi’s face is worth it. Yes, he decided a pretend friendship is a nice thing to have. No lost right? Or at least not a big one, despite telling himself this his guts tell him that he far from completely wrong and it would turn his life upside down and inside out. He couldn’t tell if it was anxiety shoving ideas in his brain or just a gut feeling.

He closed his eyes and try to fall into a slumber. He once again didn’t want to face the day ahead of him. It was hard to think in either past, present, or future. The past has bad memories, future held anxiety and stress, while the present at the current moment was just silence and darkness. He didn’t like it. He turned on a bedside lamp.

No, he was not afraid of the dark. Or maybe he is. The dark just remind him of his mind. Empty and dark and filled with anxiety. Now, that didn’t make sense. A mind being empty, but filled with anxiety. He decided not to ponder the thought. He decided to not think. It was the best thing for tranquility. Any sense of calmness.

It didn’t work. He spent hours shuffling around his bed trying thinking too much with hopes that it would make him tired. But, it backfired -- making him more awake than ever. He groaned, knowing this was going to be a long night.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being associated with Conner isn't always the best thing. Especially if he is constantly high and getting into fights with athletes that Evan is sure can break him like a twig.

Evan woke up groggily. He groans a bit and gets ready for another day of school. He didn't think much about it. It feels so routine for him. Boring and lifeless. He went to school sometimes he walked or Jared or his mom took him. This was the same for a few days, but lately something has been eating him inside out. He felt like he was being watched. That he hears his name in the whispered gossip. He didn't know why, but he had a bad feeling climbing through up his spine and infesting his brain. As those days continued the nights got worse to the point that his 1-3 hours of sleep felt like he was in a constant nightmare and his brain was still on the high wire. He felt like he didn't sleep even though he did.

It felt worse today, so he decided to walk to school not really wanting to be around people at the moment. It was nice to be alone for a bit, but then it also felt like hell with his thoughts anxiously clawing at his brain. He didn't realize that there were a few people walking behind him. The walk up closer to him and put up their hand on his shoulder. Evan looks at the people behind him is surprise. He looks up to see their faces and he slightly gulps at their terrifying looks. They were significantly taller than Evan and it honestly scares the shit out of him. He remembered seeing them in a sports game.

"Do you know Connor?" The blond one said. Evan could barely speak out a croak. "We aren't going to hurt you if you just do what we ask you." The brunette said in a calm voice, "Do you know Connor? He won't talk to us and we want you to talk to him for us."

The blond looked like he was going to explode at Evan before the brunette gives him a slight glare. "N-no I am sorry but I -- uh -- don't him too well." Evan says hoping they'll leave him alone.

"Alright punk! You think you could lie to my buddy's face? Everyone knows that you and him are close!"

"What no no. I swear..."

The blonde started to walk closer to Evan.

"Stop it right now. We don't want any conflict you hot head. Look, I don't care if you are lying or not. If what people said are rumors or the actual truth. I'll just tell you now the message. Get your 'buddy' to calm the fuck down and that we are sorry for starting the fight, but I wear if he is in another one with my team I won't be apologizing." His voice turned very threatening towards the end. 

 _F-fight? Oh geez._ Evan thought. 

"But! We lost a member to that psychopath! We need to teach him a lesson!"

"Shut the fuck up! I don't want any more fights got it! We are not douchebags. Go cool your head in the toilet or some shit like that."

"Fuck you dude." 

Evan just watched the fight nervously.

"Look Hansen. I don't want another fight got it? Just try to relay on the message to Conner and if I were you get away from him." 

"What? I don't understand why-why-why I am associated with him."

"The cast? With the reputation that kid is building for himself you just so happen to be his kid that he gives drugs to that he tolerates."

"No-no-no-no I only talked to him once. One time. He only apologize?" Evan wasn't too sure himself.

"And that right there is astonishing itself Hansen. Try to get away from him alright? Good luck with that troubled guy. Remember the message Hansen."

The two athletes walked away. Evan dropped to his knees. So he was hearing his name in their talks. He wouldn't have mind before hand being associated with Conner if Conner wasn't starting fights and now Evan is going to be... oh who know what is going happen. He just wanted it to stop. How was he going to stop this? 

 

Evan tried to find Jared fast. Well luck was on his side this instantly and he literally runs into him. Evan crashes to the ground. 

"Well hello to you Hansen! Didn't know you missed me that much." Jared said with a smirk. 

"I-I need your help please!" 

"Woah slow down what happened? One night stand and now she's prego?"

"Jared!"

"Oh sorry was it a dude?"

"N-no! Did you know that people think-think I am Conner's some sort of-of little druggie?"

"Yeah, what about it?" 

"Oh geez why didn't you tell me?"

"What don't want to be school shooter's little sidekick? Pew pew." Jared laughed a bit. 

"No! He started a fight some kids at out sports club and they thought I was associated with this fight and I was going to be beat up and then I was going to die in a corner of the street -- no my dead rotting body will just be dumped in the trashcan where I belong and no one will care except my mom and you'll pretend to care to get big pity points and get free car insurance for the res if your life and that will be the only thing I am good for."

"Woah wait. You almost got beat up by some jocks cause of Conner? Man who knew pity points and a blow job will land you here! Haha"

"I didn't do that Jared! Please just try to help me out of this mess." 

"What am I suppose to do Evan? I can't write fake emails saying how gay you two are!" Jared yells annoyed. 

Evan tries to calm down his breathing. God Jared probably hates him right now. Evan sure did. He just lost his only friend and now he will gain enemies from Conner and suffer for the rest of the year. He tries not to break down o have a panic attack cause then he is sure is going to die. And he didn't want to die right now, or at least not this way. His head raced within itself and t seemed like it split in two and each though opposed itself. 

"Right, right. Sorry-sorry-- I'll just... I am being selfish. I am so sorry. I..." Evan rushes to leave to the bathroom. He couldn't care less about him ditching class when the bell rings. He went to the farthest bathroom which no one goes in cause it was gross and shitty. He locks himself in a stall and sits on the toilet trying to calm himself down. 

He doesn't know how much time has passed but the next thing he hears is a door opening. He covers his mouth and tries to be quiet. Thankful he didn't breakdown in the stall. 

"Listen here you Murphy punk." A familiar short-tempered voice growled. 

"Well if it isn't tweedle-dum! Where's the other one?" Evan hears Conner's voice slur slightly and he sounded somewhat happy. "Ooooooooooh -- wait -- he isn't here. Broken arm right? And no one knows who did it. So unfortunate. "

"You fucking ass!" Evan recognizes that it was the blonde from this morning. He hears smacks and thuds, grunts, growls, and slight chuckles.  

_No way this is happening. This only happens in some sort of show! God why am I in here. Stupid stupid!_

He then hears a slam on his stall and he let's out a slight yelp. He holds his breath but he hears the fight continues. Evan is glad that no one heard him. The fight seemed to continued on forever and he wasn't sure who was more beat up. Then it all stops. 

"Oh the leader shows up! Great." Conner says with venom dripping from his voice when he says great. 

"Get out right now. I told you not to! Punishment will be held later during practice. I expect you to follow them." Oh the brunette from this morning come in. "So I guess that guy was saying the truth." 

"What are you talking about? Haha and I am crazy."

"No you are high! Look since that guy... doesn't matter"

"Oh who ever are you talking about? Was there supposed to be a messenger. Cause no little birdie told me."

"No there wasn't. Just calm the fuck down. We are sorry for starting the fight, but I wear if he is in another one with my team I won't be apologizing."

"Dumb blonde doesn't seem sorry."

"Just shut the fuck up Connor. Get your act together and stop getting high on school grounds you slob."

 

The bathroom was quiet afterwards. Evan waited and waited but it seemed like they got out. Evan slowly creeped toward the stall door and went out. 

"So I did hear a little yelp. Hansen." Evan stopped. And slowly turns to Conner. "Wanted to see the freak? Wanted to see him high and picking fights? Is that what you are here for HANSEN?!"

"N-no! I swear."

"Haha sure Hansen. Get out of here or I'll beat your sorry ass. Or how about I break your other arm? I won't sign the other one I swear!" Conner grabbed Evan's good arm and tightly gripped onto it. 

"Wait. Conner please don't. I didn't mean to be here for your fight. I didn't know. I am sorry. Sorry. I am so sorry." Evan mumbled non-stop sorries and he eventually broke down. He had a panic attack. His throat tighten and he couldn't breath. He could feel Conner' gaze buring at his skin. He just wanted it to stop. He felt burning hot tears pour down his cheek. He was scared that either this attack or Conner was going to kill him. He couldn't breath. 

...

...

...

He didn't want to breath. Evan found himself not trying to catch his breath anymore. Just holding it hoping he'll pass out. He just wanted it all to end. Then, he felt his arm being let go. He looks up to see Conner giving somewhat of a angry glare at him. "Of course people think I would do this. Damnit." 

"I am sorry."

"Shut up Hansen."

"Sorry" Evan is still sobbing. 

"I don't want to hear it from you"

"Sorry."

"Just shut up!"

"S-s-s..." Evan stopped himself still crying and scared. 

"Get up. I won't break your arm." Evan does what he is told. "I won't hurt you. Just calm down or something. You aren't leaving till your meltdown is over." Conner went to grab something in his pocket. "Want to smoke?" Evan saw his painted black nails holding a cigarette. Evan shook his head still crying and desperately trying to focus on the real world. 

"I never smoked." Evan muttereed. 

"Great. It helps me sometimes. It just allows you not to think doesn't that sound nice Hansen? You seemed to be just as fucked up as I am. Why not try it?"

Evan grabs the cigarette. He holds it gently in his hands. He is still a sobbing mess. 

"That won't help you Hansen. You gotta smoke it."

Evan just shook his head and put the cigarette in his back pants pockets. Conner just stared at him. 

After an awkward silence and Evan is calmed down and he takes the cigarette out. "H-how do you smoke this?"

"Oh so Hansen is going bad boy. So this is what you should..." 

...

"FUCK! Hansen don't die from choking on drugs with me!" 

 

Evan smoked for the first time in his life and it honestly helped numb everything. He wanted to do it again but he knows he can't so he says good bye to the drugs. He wrote a letter to himself when he went home 

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today was shit and here's why. I almost got beat up, broke my other armed, been assaulted, and got threatened by much buffier students. So at this point I ask why the world didn't just decide to kill me the first time I tried. Why they decided it would be fun to watch kids like us to dance around like idiots. But, I oddly enough found comfort in drugs. Great._

_P.S. That guys was right. I shouldn't be hangin around Connor. He's just... I don't know. What I expected. He's honestly terrifying. I see how he got his reputation._

_Sincerely_ _, Me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment it makes my day. And if you see any mistakes or confused comment I'll fix it or try to explain it as best I can.


	3. Chapter 3

Evan wishes this was the last of the misunderstandings between him and the drug addicted boy. Though many rumors just seem to blossom whenever Connor just slips up. It could be for anything and though he wasn't in a lot of rumors it just sent shivers crawling up his spine that he was just there somewhat connected to this kid. It honestly scared him.  
Though he was glad the kids, who first tried to beat the shit out of him, seemed to realize he wasn't exactly connected to Connor. Which he believed helped him stayed as a minor character in Connor's oh so fucked up life. Though he would be lying if occasionally people didn't try to use Evan as a messenger. In fact, Evan hasn't talked to Connor since they smoked in the bathroom. So around a week or two. Evan thinks if he wants to mess up his body he would rather drink alcohol than smoke plus, getting high gets him more anxious.  
Evan could survive the school year if he stayed away from Connor. Not to be rude or anything but that kid does seem to bring trouble. Evan just couldn't have his mother hate him. Actually, that probably was the beat idea there was. Get his mother to hate him then, try to end his life one more time. Though Connor being a trouble maker actually affected another person -- not like Evan who was just complaining for being just associated, jeez he was a useless asshole -- Zoe. He felt bad for Zoe for dealing with Connor's shit. He also felt bad for Connor because he was messed up and no one cared. It was sad, not in a pathetic way just is an emotionally sad way.  
Evan was in the hallways of the school with Jared. He was dead quiet as Jared talked about something. He wasn't too sure about what Jared was saying. He just stared off as he carried his stuff with his good arm. His thoughts on overload and it was honestly draining his energy. Sure things were going alright, he talked to Zoe -- ha once, like that was anything special just means she figured out how much of a freak like how Connor yelled -- and Jared was giving him mixed signals, which was better than before which was just bad signals.  
But, something was eating at him. His thoughts were everywhere at once, he felt like his mentality was draining slowly and sure he could possibly tell his mom or therapist but that would mean he could possibly get drugs and then that would cost his mom even more money and he just couldn't be more of a burden to her. He couldn't let that happen.  
"Will you look at that the Druggie is actually here and he looks like shit just like you. Which reminds me you look like shit." Jared said ripping Evan away from his thoughts.  
"Oh -- Um -- Nothing too big. Not enough sleep, stressed, you know social anxiety and shit like that."  
"Well that sounds normal for you, my dear Evan Hansen."  
"W-wow, Thanks -- thanks -- for the boost of confidence. That's what I needed." Evan hissed out before stuttering out an endless flow of sorry.  
"That's it Evan..." Jared looked down at Evan. "It is time for some classic bonding with ice cream. Cause man! That was great dude! You finally talked back to someone, sure it was me but hey its progress!"  
"What? Being rude is not something to celebrate Jared."  
"Yes it is. You wanna know why?" Jared dragged out why. "I am finally rubbing off on you!"  
"Oh no."  
"Oh YES. My dear Evan you will soon become a mini Jared and I will help." Evan wasn't sure to be worried or happy right now. He let out a small chuckle.  
It wasn't his nervous chuckle either. "Um, I'll get going to --- to uh class now."  
"Soon Evan you'll ditch class. Just like..."  
"Bye Jared." Evan proceeded down the hallways and staircase realizing the hall was very sparse with students.  
But he did see one in particular he didn't know how to avoid. Connor Murphy in the flesh right next to him a few feet away with earbuds in one of his ear. Evan gripped onto his stuff tighter now both of his hands. He doesn't bother trying to think of a conversation starter. He just wants to get to class. Evan heard Connor mumbling something. He just plays it off as Connor talking to himself. That is until a few seconds later Connor stopped and look straight at Evan.  
"Answer me Hansen." What was Connor talking about? "I said answer me!"  
"A-a-answer what?"  
"What did you not hear me?" Connor growled stepping closer to Evan as Evan moved back.  
"Do you think you are better than me?" Connor grabs Evan's shirt. "Of course not." Evan stammers out. "Then answer me." Connor steps closer again. "I-i don't know what you asked. I am not lying I swear."  
Connor stares at Evan for what seems to be an eternity. Evan could feel his throat swelling, hands getting sweaty and clammy, and a prickling feeling stabbing behind his eyes. Evan realized that Connor had very pale blue eyes and one had brown swirling in his firery yet dead eyes. Evan would have thought this to be a pleasant surprise if he wasn't shoved up against lockers with a lock jabbing at his back. But no, he is instead quite terrified and pissed. Then Connor looks away and drops Evan. He stared at his now empty hands before looking at Evan's horrendously shaking form. He growled and Evan sent out an accidental whimper. A visible violent chill went up Connor's spine.  
"Right -- look." Connor rubs his eyes and runs his hand through his hair. Evan realized he was high and trying to calm down. "You heard of the numerous rumors about me don't lie about it. But, you know I heard some funny ones that had a little blonde hair boy in it. Want to explain it to me?"  
Evan realized his bad this looked. "O-Oh no. It looks bad but uh... I am not trying to barge into your life to get attention. N-Not I wouldn't do that. You see people think we are buddies cause you wrote on my cast. Not that I don't mind of course. Well I mean a bit cause I almost got beat up for it. "  
"Wait. Slow down!" Connor growled rubbing his temple. "So, you're not making your way into the gossips?"  
"No, of course not! I wou-"  
"Alright fine that all I need to hear please..." Connor sighs, "Just shut up. You talk too fast and I can't process what your saying."  
"Oh sorry." Evan whispers out.  
"Whatever. I'm skipping. You should hurry up if you don't want to be late"  
"You'd be surprise with what I can get away with."  
"Not with being late and attendance."  
"Oh and how do you get by?"  
"Easy, I don't. "  
Evan doesn't know how to respond to this. He just awkwardly chuckles.  
An awkward silent beat.  
"5 bucks you get caught." Connor says.  
"Sorry don't have 5 bucks I could spare. Not that I'm poor or anything! Uh but I'll let you know if I get caught or not. "  
"Sure. Either way I'm out of here."  
Evan watches him leave. He sinks down to the floor on his knees and let's out a shaky breath. Evan silently cheers. He was actually able to hold a decent conversation with someone. Well that person was Connor Murphy and he was high none the less. Either way this was progress and well it made Evan feel slightly better. He knows that we probably won't interact with Connor more and he'll realize that Evan is a huge freak and weird and gross and never hang out with him... Well now he just ruined the good mood he he was in. Evan gets up and walks to class.  
Evan Hansen does in fact not get caught. He always blend in so well most of the teachers automatically thinks he's there unless his mom calls the school saying he's sick or whatever other reason he stays home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment it makes my day. And if you see any mistakes or confused comment I'll fix it or try to explain it as best I can.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor Evan Hansen is lying on the ground curled up in a ball with bruises all over his body. He gets a feeling of déjà vu. No Evan didn't attempt again and fail again though, he does suppose it would be better than this troublesome situation. No Evan Hansen today found himself being beaten and his money stolen. Evan didn't die today which he didn't know if he wanted to cry from happiness or sorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the month wait. So here's an extra long chapter for you guys.

Today, this week, this month, and hell even this year has gone to shit. No matter what happens from here on out. The world was giving him a clue to what he should probably do. It obvious that it is planning to get rid of him cause god he's such an annoyance and burden.

  
Poor Evan Hansen is lying on the ground curled up in a ball with bruises all over his body. He gets a feeling of déjà vu. Oh yes the pleasant feeling of trying to kill himself comes to mind. No Evan didn't attempt again and fail again though, he does suppose it would be better than this troublesome situation. No Evan Hansen today found himself being beaten and his money stolen. Now how did this happen one may ask? Well it started with one little messed up high butterfly Evan will NOW bitterly call Connor Murphy. Did Connor Murphy did this? Well no its not like hired a hitman or something, plus the kid is already loaded. Its more of a butterfly affect. One small thing Connor did and now Evan gets beaten to shit and finding himself in a small puddle of blood. He doesn't think anything is broken (thank god he doesn't need another at the moment) but he is sore and no doubt will there be bruises but he didn't need anyone to see and he really shouldn't get caught here too. So he decided to get up with shaky arms and bloody knuckles support his ridiculous jelly like body.  
Evan was semi proud to say that the blood on his knuckles are not his own but the attacker -- or one of them. Evan can thank his father for that. One of the few things Evan learned from this missing figure in his life. One being how much he hates trucks and the other is knowing self defense, how to throw a punch, kick, and how to win a fight when you are smaller. His father always did like fighting and watched it often. Evan liked it too but more censored shows as he was young. Something like the power rangers. Evan used to love the power rangers and watching it with his dad. Used to. But anyways thanks to that. Evan didn't die today which he didn't know if he wanted to cry from happiness or sorrow.

Evan starts to breath heavily as he gets to his knees. He clumsily grabs the brick wall and drops his head on trying desperately to get up and get home preferably before his mom got home and has to say why he is bloody and bruised and she will think he is taking drugs which he isn't he just likes to drink alcohol and possibly get drunk and fail his kidneys. Still both just as illegal as the other .

Today was going just all fine and dandy so why did this have to happen? Evan didn't know and proceeded to just sit down until he had enough energy to actually get home. He closed his eyes and tried to think how this happen again hoping it would clear away his confusion.

It was suppose to be just a simple trip. A trip to a one of those stores near a gas station like 7-11. In fact now that Evan thinks about he was going to 7-11 but he didn't make it to actually go inside. In fact in the long run if Evan wasn't so afraid to be rude and have some common sense or be anxious that some strangers around the back of the store wanted to talk to him and even said his name. So stupidly he walked behind the store.

"Is-is-is something w-w-wrong? D-do you need anything?" Evan barely stuttered out.

"Evan Hansen! Ah right we heard about you. But yes we do need something." One of the guys said extremely happily. So much so that it was bitterly fake and Evan was sure that was the intent.  
"Now we don't want a fight or cause an unnecessary ruckus. So I suggest you stay quiet and calm." The other guy said in a monotone voice.

Evan's hands started to sweat a bit. He knew these guys are bad news. He also knew that it was unlikely to get away from these guys as well. Evan did his nervous habit of fiddling with the hem of his shirt.  
"Now a friend of ours, oh you of course. Is in a small debt. We thought that maybe you could help him! As its a nice thing to do."  
"I-I'm sorry. I don't know what your talking about."

"Oh right! You see a mutual friend of us," the too happy guy said pointing at the three of them, "has asked to do a pretty illegal and expensive thing. Ah you know. Drugs? And well though we aren't the big all mighty father of dealers. We are one of the small fry. Cause let's face it our friend is too young and immature for those guy. But still and deal is a deal. And although we don't like to get our hands dirty, we will in a civil way. So we take something our friend likes and threaten to damage them in return! But of course being so brash is just so ugly and boring. So I have to ask will you pay up for your friend?"

"W-what are y-y-y-you talking about? I don't know -- I do not have a friend who does drugs."

"Oh suuuure." He chuckles. "I know things! I hear things! And well you and Connor seem to have some secret friendship or whatever. I honestly don't care for specific details. "

"What." Evan's voice was dripping with venom. He was tired with being muddled up with a mess called Connor.

"Aha, so you do know the guy!"

"Yes but..."

"Then stop lying and pay up!"

Evan sighs "I don't have m-- that much money. I only have $30 with me."

"Boo! That unfortunate! Well we will come take that and come back later!"

"W-w-what!" Evan screams slightly his voice cracking. "Hell no! Tell Connor to pay the rest. In fact I refuse to pay for him, go harass him for money and I'm not friends with that guy so go fuck off somewhere!"

The other guy grabbed Evan's cast. Evan stays perfectly still afraid of what will happen.

"Now now don't piss me off."

"G-g-g-go away!"

The other guy grips his arm tighter making Evan squirm.  
"No, we don't want -- severe -- injuries. "

The other guy then proceeded to pin Evan's arms.

Now Evan wasn't sure what he did next is what truly made them attack or not but his head said yes it was. He ended up kicking the overly happy guy and was able to run as the other tried to help him. Well as seen before Evan wasn't able to run away properly. He got caught and tried to fight back. He wasn't as wimpy as people made him out to be. He could throw a proper punch and make it pack with some strength (which he believes is from climbing trees) Evan does feel bad for probably breaking his nose. He didn't see the damage but, seeing the blood on his knuckles and the guy he punched nose was getting a purple color and swollen he just assumed.

Still Evan Hansen is beaten up because of Connor Murphy. He didn't want to hate his peer but, he did anyways. Hell it wasn't even Connor's fault but he still disliked him. But it was reasonable, Evan got beat up, his money stolen, and as well as insulted. He didn't think getting spit on was considered nice. Evan lightly traces over his bruises scarred across his arms and torso. He guesses that maybe he should wear a different shirt as it won't cover all these injuries.

Evan groans as he stands up and walks back to his house. He guess he won't be eating very well for a while until his Mom realizes that the fridge is low on food. So begrudgingly he walks home more pissed and anxious than ever remembering what the two said.

"Be careful Hansen you still haven't paid for the rest of it."  
So now Evan has something truly real to worry about now he knows it isn't just his anxiety. The walk was silent and absolute hell as he was just left with thoughts alone. It was tortured for him and when he finally got home he realized it was just another quiet place as he was missing a mother and farther figure. Though he only truly misses the mother figure and some of their traditions that no longer are in his life no more. Memories of him trying desperately to spark again the traditions only for his mother to be busy with work and school and trying to be a good mom and be their for him. Honestly she is goes over and above for him but sometoe he just wishes she could be an average mom and they both just spend the day together. Though he does suppose that is just wishful thinking and when she is out of college then Evan will most likely be off to college and he still wouldn't have what he wanted. Though this is just what he wanted and being selfish. Incredibly selfish. He is just being extremely whiny and bratty. Even if its in his head only he really shouldn't be thinking all of this.

He shouldn't be mad at Connor. He didn't even do anything to him directly. He shouldn't be in a self pity party because his mom is trying her best to hive him a good life.  
He went to his room and open a drawer to get a pair of sweats and a long sleeved shirt a towel and procceded to take a somewhat painfully hot shower. He didn't know what to do. He honestly just wanted to pretend nothing happen but he wasn't sure if he had the capability to just pretend. Well he fell from a tree then he was sure that these bruises didn't exist or that he was incredibly clumsy. He wondered if falling down stairs could do this damage. Well his mother wasn't around often and hopefully she wouldn't see them. All the other student wouldn't particularly care and Jared was a flip of a coin. One day it was constant semi hurtful teasing and another it was a glimpse of maybe Jared was actually his friend like in middle school and before.  
Evan just lays in bed as he tries to sleep of course that is as successful as his other attempts from the night before and before that and even before that. Maybe he blacked once or twice. He hoped that was the case.

Either way he hears his alarm ring a bit muffled as he covered it because it was too loud and honestly gave him a heart attack every time it went off. He got up sluggishly and open his closet picking a black dress shirt and some dark color pants not really caring what it is. Going downstairs he is met with his mother.  
"Hi honey. " his mom smiled. Evan gave a small smile and sat down at the table. Her smile was always warming so much so it was kinda suffocating. He didn't know how to deal with anyone being so nice and was his only reason as to why it was suffocating. Her smile and nice hug was almost able to forget that he was sore all over his upper body. Key word: Almost.

"Good morning "

"How was yesterday honey? Did you remember your letters,"

"Oh no I forgot about them. Sorry."

"Its alright honey. They are suppose to help! So just try to do them as much as possible. Hopefully they will make a difference even a little. "

"Y-yeah. "

His mother smiled a bit of a strained one. She looks at the clock on the radio in the kitchen. "Sorry sweetie I have to go. Do you need a ride if so grab something and we will go."

"Oh uh. No. I mean sorry. Or no thank you. I uh Jared is going to drive me. "

"Oh that's wonderful! Okay I'll be off." She kisses him on the forehead and leaves the house.

Evan takes out his phone and text Jared.

  
You: C ould yoi oick me up?  
Jared: do u know what time it is?!?!  
You: 7:00 am  
Jared: it's to early I wake up @ 8  
You : Shcool starrs at 8:10  
Jared: i know nvr late tho  
No speeding tickets either  
You: I am takong bacl my requext  
Jared: too late

  
Evan sighs and puts away his phone as he goes to the bathroom to get ready for school. He looks at himself in the mirror and realized that some of his face has small purple blemishes scattered all around. He can't cover them up with clothing that would be too obvious. He remembers that his mother has a bit of makeup. He hopes that the two have the same skin tone.  
He goes in his mother's bathroom and finds her bathroom. He looks under her bathroom sink and finds a small tub of makeup. He grabs a container of skin color and takes it out he puts some on the bruises. He slightly flinches as he puts it on before hissing at himself for being a sissy.

"Yo Evan Hansen! I am here! You better get your lucky ass here. "  
Evan looks at the mirror again and finds the largest bruise on his face is still not covered. He hurriedly finds a big bandaid and sticks it right below his chin. He sighs and goes to the door the let Jared in.

"Sup loser."

"Hey Jared."

"Woah what happen to your face "

"I am -- clumsy. That should be obvious as I fell from a tree. Same thing happen as before I lied there waiting for who knows how long before having to get up by my lonesome self. " Evan chuckles.

"Yeah as funny as the first time." Jared said quite uncomfortably. "And a new outfit. You look sleek. You look professional. Why do you wear this at school?"

Evan shrugs.

"Did you eat?"

"Yeah."

"Bullshit. Grab something and we'll be off."

"Fine."

The two head off to school short afterwords.

 

* * *

  
"Zoe you're too slow I am ditching you!" A guy with long hair yells into a bathroom.

"Hey don't take my car you asshole! Unless your car is suddenly back from your 1 month grounding."

"I would never! Your car is ugly for me. And haha you little shit very funny. Either way I am walking."

"No you can't I gotta babysit you! Okay? So just wait a few minutes and I'll be out. And if you try to walk out I'll walk out of this shower -- naked."

"Sorry no. I am going out. I love you Zo!"

"Hell no! Be ready to be traumatized. I warn you Connor!"  
Connor grabs the bathroom knob and tries to keep the door close. The door started to move crazily.

"Alright you win! I'll stay here and wait for your sorry ass."  
"Look in the mirror!"

"I can't you're in the bathroom!"

"Smartass!"

Connor lies near the bathroom door. Hoping it would trip her. Or he would get step on either one would work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment it makes my day. And if you see any mistakes or confused comment I'll fix it or try to explain it as best I can.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Murphy Siblings POV! Welcome to a (somewhat) peaceful day with the Murphy household. And a special unnamed drug dealer returns! Of course to remind Connor to pay the fuck up for the drugs on his tab or he will go to his sister instead.  
> A.K.A Pay up Connor for the drug money cause your lunatic drug dealer will hold your sister hostage.  
> Spoiler Alert: Too bad no actual sibling bonding happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter for you guys. Too make up for the one month wait. Though if worse comes to shove I'll have to keep to at least 1 chapter a month. Though imma try to do every other day or at least 1 chapter a week on a regular basis.

"Holy shit! Connor what the hell! I almost stepped on you. " Zoe looks down at Connor.

"Okay."

"So will you get up?"

"Okay."

"Now?!"

"Okay." Connor then proceeded to do absolutely fucking nothing.

"I will step on you."

"Okay."

"I swear to god stop saying okay."

"Okay."

"Oh go fuck yourself. Are you high?"

"Surprisingly no. I still don't have enough guts to sneak my stash here."

"I can't tell if you're lying or not. Also how the hell do you even get the money for this shit anyway? "

"I stole it from your wallet."

"Uh no you didn't I checked." Zoe steps over Connor and goes to the mirror applying makeup.

"Gasp you don't trust me."

"Please just gasp and not say 'gasp' instead. And also yes especially since you get high all the time and the shit you pull off. "

"Yes that's why I'm away from the house so often."

"Getting high or you actually caring. Oh wait you don't care bout shit. Fuck off Connor and wait for me outside."

Connor flips Zoe off before leaving her bathroom. She continues to put on a light dose of makeup. She heard a few muffled shouts and a few thuds before silence. She shrugs and continues applying her makeup. As she was finishing she heard her mother.

"Zoe dear, I think Connor may have stormed off to school after talking to your farther."

Zoe sighs as she slammed her stuff away and mutters a quick "Fucking Larry." He forcered her to do this stupid job. He could at least not make it any harder for her. She puts on her jacket and grabs her student ID. "Alright thank you Mom! I'll try to find him on the streets and stop him from buying drugs... Or a prositute."

"I heard that! Connor would not buy sex! He's self cautious about his body."

"Ha yeah right. Whatever bye mom, bye Larry. Love you!"

"He already left sweety and please refer to him as your farther. I love you too. Have a good day. Call if your in trouble or Connor. "

"Oh he always is."

"You know what I mean!"

"Yeah bye." Zoe leaves the house and goes to car. Not really planning to actually look for her jackass brother. If she sees him then yeah she'll pick him up. Though she hopes she doesn't see him.

 

* * *

  
"Yo Connor!" An excited shout came from behind Connor.  
Connor looked behind him to find his usual drug dealer. He honestly couldn't remember his name. He was laid back with payments and uncomfortably friendly. He believes he told him we won't be buying until he pays for the rest.

"So, I know you said you needed time to pay! But I found a -- mutual -- friend!"

"A what?"

"No need to worry. Just thought I should tell you. Also did you know you are a bit past your due date. So lucky you I found a helping hand. "

"Who the hell would help a druggie? You know I don't want to know. "

"Well, like I said a friend of yours! Or at least I think. I don't know I just hear some stuff. Either way he's paying now. "

"You forced a kid to help me pay? I don't know if you are being kind or trying to threaten me. "

"Huh I guessed I did. Well now I feel bad. Okay not really. You still are past the due date so pay up asap! I got like 30 bucks and a bloody nose. I thought it was broken. All for some unrelated guy. Boo. "

Connor sighed as his dealer left with a skip in his step. His overly happy demeanour was honestly annoying and him trying to be all buddy buddy with you. Truth be told he was just a guy who could legally buy cigarettes, alcohol, and medical marijuana to sell to minors. Minors give him money and he buys the product. Of course marijuana is limited for him so its the most expensive for, what he like to call, "shipping fees". You have to have enough money for the product and his service. It simple because then Connor doesn't have to deal with the big time drug dealers who shoot your family if you don't pay or some shit like that. Instead you get someone scared to shit and probably beaten if you don't. It was like a stereotypical brute bully.

"And if you don't I think I'll try your sister next"

Or not. He still will harass your family. Maybe not actually shoot them though. Connor has to see that as a pro with this guy. Does his dealer has to be a lunatic?

Still Connor had to had to find the rest of the cash pretty quickly and he doesn't think stealing from his father would be wise as he just got scolded for that. Then again maybe he should just for kicks or let that kid pay for it. Though he heard that his "dealer" got a bloody nose. So maybe not the latter.

Connor also hopes his dealer never mentioned his name. Oh what would a normal student do with this information? He could rise up in popularity with sympathy points. He was also able to apparently land a pretty good punch on his dealer as well. And Connor was not really in shape. Sure he wasn't fat or anything but he had a small habit of not eating. As well as physical and most outdoor activities aren't really his thing. So who knows this guy in his school could beat the fuck out of him. Either way he would most likely both forget about it and then be rudely reminded. He groans as he walks to the highschool. Connor Murphy isn't high enough for this shit. Though he isn't go I more in debt cause of addiction. He was somewhat happy (and proud) he hasn't developed a physical addiction to these drugs. He wasn't sure he could handle a headache, nausea, or something because of it today.

Also no, Zoe didn't end up finding Connor on the streets. Thank whatever (non-existing) god out there for that. Especially since he had met his dealer. So help him if Zoe saw he would be fucked over sideways. His groundings suck cause he one is already forever on being followed and/or watched 24/7 by his family and with no social life, they just take away his things. Connor lost his car already he wasn't going to lose his computer or phone next. Hell even worse. His internet. No thank you. Not worth it.  
Now this would be the part where Zoe was actually behind him and they argue then in the long run bond for some good sibling bonding. Or Connor would realize his mistakes and same with Zoe.

Too bad life isn't that easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment it makes my day. And if you see any mistakes or confused comment I'll fix it or try to explain it as best I can.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan's thoughts were although predictable his actions were not so much. He reacted more on his instincts then people realized. His instincts were like when he was younger. More bold and out there. A lot changed when he was little. Though he still had some of his old self in him. It what made him act. It what makes him shove Connor Murphy on the ground to make him get away from Jared.  
> ....  
> Wait.  
> What? What's been happening?

Evan was glad that no one bothered to bring his injuries. Although he hid the ones on his face with makeup, the ones covering everywhere else was still extremely visible. His fingers were scattered with many types of Band-aid in his house. Sure he had a few normal ones with the simply nice tan colors but he only had the ones he had in his miniature first aid kit. The rest were vibrant neon designs and emoji Band-aid They stand out quite a bit. It was an absolute pain in the ass to get every single one. He didn't want anyone to see the littering bruises, cuts, and possible future scars he'll get from this. Though the most damage was done to his torso. Huge bruises splashed against his skin with a disgusting purple color. He should probably go to a doctor or something but he knows it will eventually heal and nothing was seriously damaged. He was sure no one would notice. That the bruises that escaped the bandages would never be brought up. That no one will see that he had these horrible bruises. He didn't know how to explain himself anyways. He didn't have a lie ready.

Despite what many thinks about Evan he can lie with a disturbing amount of ease and fluency. It was harder than what people think to get him to read him. It was unusually hard. Sure people could tell when he was kinda nervous, nervous, and a chaotic mess but, who couldn't? Evan's thoughts were although predictable his actions were not so much. He reacted more on his instincts then people realized. His logical side was clouded with anxiety and his emotions were too much of a jumble mess to base anything on it. So he did what his body told him. It was a funny display seeing someone with such anxious thoughts doing things someone bold would do but his mouth would apologize. Though Evan guessed it was just how he was when he was little. Before he felt how he did and began to fear what life had in store for him. He was happy, outgoing, energetic, bold. Always talking to his neighbours and playing many games outside and exploring forests. Whacking whatever was in his ways violently with a stick he would on the ground. He wasn't really afraid of anything. Aware of consequences but not afraid of them. Standing up for his peers when he injustice. He wanted to be a hero at this age. So he held the characteristics of them. He was inspired by them. Even now Evan still wants to help people. Though he was a lot less naive. A lot more fearful and cowardly. Had anxiety and took pills. Yeah a lot changed when he was little. Though he still had some of his old self in him. It what made him act. It what makes him shove Connor Murphy on the ground to make him get away from Jared.

....

....

....

....

Wait.

What? What's been happening?

Evan looked at his hand then at Connor who was glaring at him and Jared. Evan was about to apologize but the words got stuck in his throat as anger filled his veins Evan curls his bruised fingers in a fist.

He remembers what happened.  
"You're extremely clumsy Ev. I think I need to watch your every move so you won't get hurt. I leave you for a summer and you break your arm. I leave you for the weekend and you get cuts or something. "

"W-well um you see. I uh. I don't know. I'm not that bad. " Jared gives him a 'really?' look. Evan looks away and sees something he rather not see.

Zoe Murphy being one but not quite it.

His crush on her has been completely extinguished over the month he had been here. He didn't know why. Though his guess was something called Connor. The Murphy's just didn't seem as good as it did beforehand. He didn't want to get involved with Zoe's problems. She had to have some with Connor as her brother. Now its not to be mean it was just he was sure their parents aren't the best as he saw Connor. He wasn't getting some proper help. He was sure that Zoe was also somewhat of a ticking bomb waiting to be under too much pressure and explode. How was a different problem. Now he may sound like a huge dick saying all this. Or really thinking this but it just made him realize that no new didn't truly LOVE her. He fell in love with idea of her. With the idea that she will make him like her. He never had the urge to be with intimate of any sorts with her just to be in her presence and for her to rub off of him. Jared figured this out when Evan just soon became uncomfortable at any romantic mentions of Zoe. It wasn't an embarrassed uncomfortable just pure out uneasy.

No what he didn't want to see was Connor. It spiked up his rage he has so far swallowed down and he wasn't prepared to vomit it out. He wasn't prepared for fear to hit him in the knees with flashes of him curled up on the floor being kicked hard. Or the red that soaked his vision. He wasn't used to that red. His breath quicken for a split second and he was slapped with viscous wave of nausea. His bruises burned at this moment and he quickly touches the bandaid on his face. Then he remembers Jared was here. So he forced himself to swallow everything and go back to Jared.

"Is something wrong? You look like ass all of a sudden. " Jared starts to look the way Evan just did. Fear crawled up to Evan's ear as it whispers

"He'll figure it out!"

"Nothing I've just been feeling kinda sick for a while now."

"Wait. Don't tell me you've been doing stuff sick! You fucking idiot is this why you got hurt! Do you need to go to the nurse? "

"N-N-NO!" Evan grabbed Jared and accidentally pulls him down to his level. Jared's glasses falls slightly crooked and a shocked expression paints his face. "I'm so sorry."

"Evan what's happening?"

"Nothing!"

Jared looks at the direction Evan was facing previously. Trying to figure out what caused such a reaction. He sees Zoe. Maybe something happened between the two which made Evan highly distraught. This had to be from something already known as bad.

"Was it Murphy?"

Evan tenses up. "N-no!"

"It is what happen between you and Zoe?"

Evan shoulders slump slightly. "It was just a bad interaction. I got touched when I didn't want to so I freaked out. It just makes me feel nauseous"

"No it isn't her is it. Was it Connor?"

Evan gets slightly irritated. "No it was-"

"What the fuck did he do?"

A bell rings throughout the school and Evan quickly makes his exit. He was happy he didnt have any classes with Jared before lunch. So Jared confronted Evan again at lunch.

It was lunch when shit broke loose.

He never expected Jared to pick a fight for him. He never expected Connor to be so close. He didn't expect the school to know his secret. Nor did he think at the end he would end up in a hug and a crowd full of soft sad like whispers or for the school to notice him for a short while.


	7. Chapter 7

Jared confronted Evan at lunch. Evan doesn't eat lunch at the cafeteria and was glad that he was a senior meaning he can eat off school grounds and/or outside the cafeteria. (Technically any year can eat outside the cafeteria in his school, that's not the point though.) Jared being his family friend since diapers can map the chaotic mess of Evan's brain. Evan really only hung out in a few locations those being; Computer Lab, Library, Under a certain tree in the school's back entrance, and the other being a run downed orchard.

Evan didn't know what was happening with Jared while he looked for him but in the end he did find Evan. It was about 5 minutes in when Jared started to climb the tree Evan resided in. No Evan wasn't suppose to be in the tree. But Evan isn't all a spineless wimpy coward. From time to time he'll do things he wasn't suppose to. 

Plus a teacher caught him once and all she did was smile nicely and say "I used to do that do. Don't worry its not a big deal. Just don't hurt the tree and no one will care. " This happened when he was in his first semester in his 2nd year. He became very good acquaintance with the science teacher though, he never once had her as a teacher. Still that didn't stop the two from helping each other take of the landscape of the school for 2 years. She was a youngish teacher being at her late 20's or early 30's and was very nice. She told him numerous times that he was one of her favorite students and seemed to know when Evan was on the verge of a panic attack was highly uncomfortable. She couldn't do much with her limited knowledge on mental illnesses but she just calmly stated some plant facts or forests he should go visit calmed his nerves down. She knew how he hated silence and would always fill it. Sometimes it was awkward but it made the gesture even more kind. Now he couldn't go to her for his problems but just doing an after school activity with her was calming or just small talk about absolutely nothing too meaningful was a warming pleasure. (The two ended out doing after school stuff so much she added it as after school activities for he can have something if he was too nervous to do any other school activities. She was super excited when she heard when Evan got a summer job.) Now Evan didn't see her as a mom figure but more as an older sister who can't just understand each other too well but got along anyways. 

When Jared climbed up the tree he struggled a bit trying to figure out how the hell to get up and to find a place to properly sit, crouch or even stand at. Jared doesn't know how Evan does it. Sitting on the branch hurts his ass and staying there for a long period of time was a recipe for him to cringe every time he sits down. That was just not appealing to him nor Evan. Evan remembers him complaining about this before. Still Jared sits awkwardly next to Evan. 

"So, I know you don't want to talk about it." 

Evan had to swallow down the insult clawing at his throat. 

"And you know what. You don't have to. I'm sorry that I reacted that way but..." Jared made his hands intertwine with each other. "Evan please realize I know you very well. I've known you since before your dad left and you turned into a wreck. I'm still a fucking dense asshole though who will completely ignore these things if I don't look for it. You seem to be doing worse. You look like you haven't slept in who knows how long, you are starving yourself even when you aren't near people. God you even have these injuries and I'm afraid they aren't from where you said. " 

"Ha since when did you all of a sudden started to care? Do you need something from me? 

" No Evan look..."

"No you look here Kleinmen. You haven't cared about me since highschool, I haven't been your friend since then as well! Why do you all of a sudden care? Why don't you just make fun like you always do! I know how to deal with that Jared, not this-this 'caring' side or 'concerned' version of you. Why now? When I realize this is how it will be. Stop playing with me! Stop giving me false hope!" 

"Because you aren't the only one with problems Evan! I may not have anxiety or depression or insomnia but... " an awkward silence, "Fuck I'm such a loser. Haha none of my problems come even close to yours. I've been hiding all this shit. Just put on a confident face and kept going. Cause I'm just a teenager! I'm not special! All the broken people will be seen as 'special' good or bad! I'm just a side character! The one no one really cares about. The one who won't get a resolution at the end of a story. So being an asshole was better than this. But I'm done. Done with this relationship we have. I want it to get better. I don't want to keep pushing you away so far I can't reach you anymore. Or so far you think you're alone. "

"Are you... Ugh... You... I-I-I've been a-a-alone. It's too late for that. I-I-I I've been alone since you d-d-ditched me in highschool, since people s-s-started giving me weird looks and n-names, since I fell out of that damn tree which I wished I-I died from, since the weekend where all of this happened because I-I got beat up cause of him! " Evan puts his hand over his mouth. He was glad he didn't say Connor's name but that was way too much information. 

Jared stares at him wide eyes again. He looks shocked then sad. He jumps off of the tree not looking at Evan. Fear started to shoot up through Evan in violent waves. He messed up. But he wanted to say all of this. Yes of course Evan still yearned for Jared friendship. He didn't know why he said any of this. Why he didn't just accept the friendship again and be happy. He just wanted to be heard for once. 

Jared still doesn't look at Evan. He walks away muttering, "Fine, I get it. You can be alone." Evan watches Jared walk away as he starts to hide himself more in the tree. This wasn't what he wanted. He wasn't sure what he wanted. He was just mad and his anxiety just seems to amplify itself and what he's feeling. In fact everything was just too much. The rustling of the leaves were loud and the bark seems to be scratching his skin wide open, the sun that peaked through the leaves burned. Everything was pounding at him screaming and screeching for his attention and leaving one be was like a crying and screaming child begging for his attention. 


	8. Chapter 8

 The school was to say at least was surprised when they heard there was a fight getting a bit too out of control. That wasn't the surprising part. What was surprising was Connor wasn't starting a physical fight right away and even more so, Zoe Murphy was on his side. Now what truly took the cake was that Evan Hansen tackled Connor. Now what was not surprising was that Connor grabbed Jared and Jared well, being himself.

The school doesn't know what started this fight. Zoe didn't know why she was she got so mad at Jared for being an ass at her brother. Okay truth be told be told. She did.

He dived right into their home life and well that was a super sore topic. Jared is an asshole. He probably knew very well that it was. Zoe didn't know what made Jared freak out when Connor and Evan started talking. But it freaked him out bad. Zoe would have guessed jealously if it was anybody else but, maybe Connor did something to Evan. She didn't know. She also didn't know why she didn't walk away like she always does. Maybe it was how uneasy Evan looked, or scared Jared was. Maybe it was when her brother, her monster of a brother showed true pain and then a flash of anger. Just like he used to at home. Back when everything could have been fixed. At just like that emotion Zoe wanted to help. It was a quick second but then her feet were moving, she couldn't stop. She didn't know who she wanted to help but when she heard Jared it was decided. Connor.

Now, she never wanted to be in a physical fight nor did she ever excepted Evan to tackle Connor. Not the Evan she remembers. He could barely speak let alone do something like this. If it was in a less stressful situation she would have laughed so hard at how easily her brother was pinned by someone so much smaller than him. But it wasn't, so she surprised and so very scared. Connor could make someone like Evan do this. She didn't know who to help again. She didn't know what to do when they started to roll around to see who is stronger, or when she saw a terrified Jared grabbing his slightly bent glasses and scooting away from the two who like rapid animals.   
She was going to rip away Connor when Evan pinned him and was about to punch when he stopped.

Then he started to cry. Not really sobbing or making any noises but big tears dropped from his face. The fight seemed to stop just for a second. Connor easily flipped Evan over, who still was crying but now he covered his face with his arms. Not really protecting his face more like hiding it.

Connor didn't throw a punch like Zoe was used to seeing. He just sat there, out of breath.

It was safe to say everyone was surprised at the action. Which action is really unknown.

"Connor!" Zoe called out to him. He just ran his hand through his hair. Zoe nor Jared could take a step forward without him tension returning to him. He was holding a hostage, to a degree.

Something extremely weird happened next. Zoe didn't know what. She just saw Evan grabbing onto Connor's arm. Connor looked ready for a fight but the stopped when that was all Evan did. Evan lowered his other arm , with the cast, from his face. Zoe remembers seeing Evan mouth move. He's speaking, loud enough for Connor to hear. Whatever he said made Connor jump off of him with eyes wide like he just got burned. Evan got up and started to leave, Jared tried to comfort Evan but Evan just shrugged off Jared. Jared stops and walk away from Evan. 

"Are you alright?" Zoe didn't know why she asked. She didn't really care.

"You don't care."

True.

Connor sighs and Zoe akwardky steps side to side. "You're right you know."

"What?"

"Never mind. Go do something and think of how you'll stay out of trouble"

Connor left behind a nervous, scared, anxious, and confused Zoe.   
None of the 4 were really surprised when they were called down to the office. Doesn't mean that they were scared though.   
Zoe was sent away when she showed that she didn't really do anything or know anything. Zoe will had an urge to be there. To know what the hell happened between the three. But she got up and left back to her class. Whatever the hell happened it was not her business and she doesn't want to be a part of it.

When she saw Connor again. She learned Connor got suspended. She can't remember for how long. She didn't ask if he was alright. She didn't ask what happened to the other guys. She just tried to forget what happened today. And she did. At least a bit. This wasn't her life. This was her brother's messed up life. Not her's. She should stop trying to care, stop grabbing onto hope that maybe the two could be close again because it won't. He just avoids her if he doesn't want to hurt her. He will never apologize, or make it up. Can't she realize that.   
She already knew the answer. No. She couldn't. Sure she hates his guts at the moment. How he is, who he is. But she was also ready to try and forgive him. It won't happen. She keeps telling herself this. He will die of drugs or maybe even suicide. No one in her family will help. Not her dad and not even her mom. Her dad makes this clear. Her mom tries but even then its a sad attempt and if it goes against Larry's wishes then why should she even try. Larry is an ass, Cynthia is a coward. Zoe is fully prepared to leave this hell hole once she's out of school. She will get a scholarship or some shit and leave all of this behind. It will be in past and she won't have to look behind her. Just ahead.

She sighed as she slumps on her bed telling herself this little plan for the umpteenth time. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan doesn't want to sleep anymore.

Evan is feeling many things right now. None of them he could safely say are pleasant. His anxiety is skyrocketing at the moment. Here he sits with a scowling Connor glaring at everything but Evan. Evan was able to get Connor off him by just saying Connor's Drug dealer name. If he was going to be honest. He hardly even remembered what the fuck people where calling him. Seeing Connor's reaction though told him it is was true.

Now Evan can get Connor expelled and although this can probably be helpful for Evan right now he doesn't actually want to do that. Despite his semi hatred for the drug addict. Now onto the other problem hr has on his hand. He probably had a few seconds of no anxiety for clear thinking before becoming emotional mess. Maybe he can just play off of that? He doesn't know what to do.

Evan lungs starts to burn and the back of his eyes get a burning sensation.

His mother will find out about this. Oh gosh he can already feel her disappointed stare and honesty she should have one. Look at the she has not only in he a mentally unstable freak, he now is going down the path of criminal. He should be dead right now. A lot of people would be happy. Okay that went dark quick but it is 100% true.  
Evan starts to rapidly tap his foot to the floor slightly vibrating the chair he is sitting on waiting for the principal, vice principal, or someone of that sort.

When the 4 of them were called Evan could start hearing his pulse go rapid and even feel it. The veins seem like they'll rip his skin open from all the heavy pulsing.

"Connor. Jared. Evan? And Zoe?" A staff said. Slightly surprised at the last two names but then shrugs it off.

Evan cat really remember what happen next. Zoe left.

He doesn't know why. The staff ask Jared and Connor a question. Maybe something like

"Who pulled the first move?"

Connor replies with "Evan."

Evan then snaps out of it.

"I find that hard to believe Murphy. "

"Well he did!"

"Evan did you initiated the fight."

"I- uh- well." Evan for some odd reason looks at Connor.

"Don't. Look at me. Don't stand up for anyone right now okay?" Their voice was weirdly demanding yet calm.

"I did." He barely whispered.

"Evan-"

"No! I- I uh did. He was holding onto Jared and so I tackled him."

"I see." They sighed. "You do know violence isn't the right answer. "

"Well yes but, I didn't know what to do so I just... Yeah."

Then everything becomes blurry again.

"Alright detention for both you and Jared. Connor you and I will have to set a suspension and a call to you parents. "

"Wait I didn't even..."

"Oh yes I know. Now this isn't my hatred towards you this is simply because I know you and many other students been fighting. I can't confirm this but I'll just use this as punishment and stop trying to purposely finding ways to get these past fight out. Count yourself lucky this time Murphy. "

And well Evan was pretty sure he was out of it by then just blindly following his schedule Cause he really can't remember.

So here sat on his bed. No idea if the school had called his mom or not and honestly he doesn't want to know. At a time like this he just wishes he could oversleep and fall asleep right now. Not his anxiety just spreading his eyelids wide open.

Evan stared at his blank laptop for who knows how long before slowly closing it. He looked at his digital clock and decided he should probably change. He gets up and opened his drawer.

At least that what happened in his head. Instead he unlocked and opened his window.

He starts to step out the window fully prepared to leave when he hears an unlocking of a door. Luckily it was from downstairs. So Evan quickly found another blanket from his closet and folds it like a body before covering it up with his regular blanket. He turns off all of his lights and then left.

His mind was screaming with thoughts yelling at him to GI back to the house. But with very step it started to turn quiet until he couldn't here the screaming in his head. Only whispers and he decided he can deal with all the screaming once he starts walking back to the house. Right now he will deal with consequences once they will hit. Cause its finally quiet.

And Evan can't find himself to particularly care. This reminds himself of something. He can't remember what. Why this quiet was so nice and yet eerie.

He found himself walking to a park. Not really a playground. There was one. A simple one with a few sets of swings, plastic slide, monkey bars, and a plastic cave you can climb on.

He wasn't interested in that despite his hands grazing on the rough surface.

No he saw the trees. The playground had a small yet thick forest behind it. And Evan was drawing closer to it. He knew a lot of drug and alcohol addicts would crash here. Well not really a lot. This community wasn't that bad. It was okay. So many families were kinda not normal. Well maybe it is normal since that is the majority of this community. Evan didn't know and he didn't want to delve on it.

So he kept walking.

Into the woods as his hand keep soft grazing on the rough and detailed bark. He feels the design on each tree as he slowly walks. The calmer he became when he kept walking deeper into lush are of trees.

Then he stopped.

He looks at a huge tree and it is probably the tallest there is. So much taller than the other one.

A lot taller.

Then there is so many branches and trees near by. Evan retraces his bruises he got from falling.

The forest behind the playground isn't that calming anymore. So Evan just keeps walking somewhat remembering the direction on his next location. So he sluggishly walks, feeling so incredibly tired. He can't feel anything else. He wasn't sleepy. He didn't want sleep. No sleep wasn't the thing he wanted tonight. Evan decided right there and now to test if he truly wanted to sleep or not.

Evan didn't care about so many as he walked and walked so late at night. He saw a small stream and knew he was getting closer. The stream kept bigger. Then it was river.

Evan started to follow the familiar concrete path and soon came upon a wooden bridge. He always liked the bridge. It was aesthetically pleasing to Evan, maybe it was because of his interest in trees. Or there was so many beautiful plants near the river. Perhaps how it was that for just tonight the water was so clear it looked like the slightly starry sky up above. He soon found himself with a small smile. It was nicer than the forest. Evan traces his hands on the railings on the bridge. He pulls himself on the edge and just sits there looking above. Enjoying the view.

If only he could feel like this always.

Then he looks down and sees the river down in the steep valley below. He smiles even more. If he falls right now. It will look like he fell in the sky. At least to him.

Evan does not want to sleep. No in the end he will not sleep. He will end all of this.

And that's when it hits him. Why he is so calm. Because it was summer in the tree all over again.

Evan is okay with that.

Plus they say the second time you'll be more successful. Evan smiles genuinely.

This would have been a nice scene for anyone watching. If only they knew he was going to end his life. Evan was finally happy at looking at his death straight ahead.

"Are you fucking kidding me!" A boy screams.

"Lower your voice." An older man yelled back.

Evan didn't think being a hypocrite will help.

"Don't act like you care about me. You just want another project that you can fix."

"You know that is not true stop...""

You know what I don't I can't tell. You can not fix this."

A silent beat.

"Please Connor. Let us talk inside." His voice was soft this time.

"And have you yell at me or give me a glare. I can't see your face this time. I don't want to. "

"Connor." He became strict. It was unsettling.

"No fuck off Larry. I am not high as you can see. So just leave me alone."

"It's a school night. Come on."

"I said no. Oh and news flash Pops I got suspended." Both voices were suffocatingly hostile. Evan ran off not able to take it. And everything hits him.

How close he was to suicide, his anxiety is back screaming at him. How stupid is he. He is so worthless a fight gets him startled. How easy it was to think of suicide. How just one push and he was planning to go in the river and not swim back up. He doesn't know what was idiotic. His 2nd failed attempt or that he wanted. Maybe for being such a coward and fleeing from hearing Connor and Larry fight.  
And finally the fight is being processed.

The Murphy's.

Maybe it was a good thing he left. Not with Connor. He can't deal with a Connor right now. With any of Connor's shit. He can't deal with his own.

Oh no his mother. What time was it? Evan checked his pockets. No phone he left it in his room. He didn't know if his lousy trick worked. He doesn't know if his mother knew what he did.

Evan drops to the ground and slumps against a tree. He hides his head in between his knees and grabs his hair harshly trying to control his breathing.

Then he hears footsteps. They were running. Evan panics even more and stands up quickly and was so close to bolting out of this place when he crashes violently into someone.

There were only 2 someone's here.

Evan is not someone to cuss but, "Shit."

**Author's Note:**

> I know the EvanxConner ship is big in this fandom but I want to make it accurate on how a relationship between the two would go and Connor being alive won't bring sunshine and rainbows. Buckle up cause you're in for a ride full of feels.  
> PS. Please comment it makes my day. And if you see any mistakes or confused comment I'll fix it or try to explain it as best I can.


End file.
